Empathy Deficit Disorder

I was just reading this piece about empathy, or the lack thereof, on cnn.com; actually, it's from Oprah's magazine but it's on CNN's website. Oprah is everywhere.

[Psychologist Douglas] LaBier says we unlearn whatever empathy skills we've picked up while coming of age in a culture that focuses on acquisition and status more than cooperation and values, "moving on" over thoughtful reflection, writes Amanda Robb. LaBier is convinced that EDD is at the heart of modernity's most common problems, macro (war) and micro (divorce).

EDD is empathy deficit disorder. So far, I'm going along with this.

If you work with someone you despise (and who despises you back), and you try to understand why that person dislikes you, then you stand a chance of not hating every minute with her at the office. If you live in a world that you would like to see less divided by ethnic, economic, and religious strife, you'll find that attempting to comprehend the needs of your sworn enemies is a prerequisite to any meaningful action you can take.

Well, Amanda, I think sometimes people just aren't going to like you, no matter what; but I do agree with the second part, up to a point.

Empathy will also require you to get past rationalizations and admit wrongdoing.

This IS a problem (the rationalizing and not admitting wrongdoing). I find it alarming how much of this goes on these days.

About 10 years ago, my Muslim boss took exception to something I had said, or done (I don't remember now what exactly it was). I thought it was ridiculous that he had taken exception and I started rationalizing. It put a strain on our relationship. I asked my brother-in-law, who is a manager, what to do to make it right.

"Apologize," he said. "Tell him it will never happen again."

I thought this was rubbish advice, at first (why make what I considered would be a fake apology, I tried to rationalize). But I followed his advice, after some reflection. What the boss was upset about was me being what he considered to be disrespectful - but an American wouldn't have thought so.

I had to exercise my empathy and recognize that in his culture, it was insulting. But sometimes one-sided empathy does not work, as my more recent experience taught me.

I know that he (the Muslim boss) also was able to exercise empathy and recognize that I had not really meant to be disrespectful and that it was a clash of cultures.

But he also had, as did my former editor, a strong sense of the fact that he was the boss and I was the underling. Apologies do work, more often than not.

Do you know it's disrespectful to show the bottoms of your feet, even if they are shod, to a Muslim? That's not what I did, I just thought I'd throw that out there!